Reflection of ….

Bullies …

Some time ago my daughter ran into an assault situation. She and a friend were threatened with a bat. I told my friends about it on face book. Most of the time I can say, hey, this is just a play for attention … the girls were shaking and faded looking after the incident. so I really had no choice but to believe the situation. Come to find out the boys were provoked. I don’t blame them especially with all the taboo still about alternate lifestyles. After confrontation with the whole situation, it was resolved. I am not completely satisfied but as a whole things ended peacefully. Findings … Wolf had been cried. During this investigation, I was told that it is the job of the Staff to look for patterns that point toward bullying … I just have one question in this building of patterns: have you looked at yourself, and the actions of your staff? I see some patterns there myself that point to what you, yourself, are looking for.

remembrance …

This last weekend made me cry. I couldn’t help it. I guess this year I actually did what the last monday in May is meant for. Reflection of  those that have gone before us. Memorial Day was originally set up to commemorate the loss of soldiers that served during the American civil war, but was extended later to include all of our fallen. Specifically military members that I have lost in my life in the past, most of the time I light a candle in my window to remember them by.

My Grandfather died a few years ago, it wasn’t the emphysema, the congestive heart failure or the cancer that got him, it was the Stroke. Tough and amazing man. This man was a ww2 Veteran, an engineer, an artist, and a patriot. Apparently at one point before the pain of cancer had gotten too bad. He had been crawling around the insides of his church doing the sound wiring for them. Dedicated, to the last. I still mourn his absence in my life, though the influence and legacy he left all of us will burn for years to come.

Chuck, an airman whose life was taken by another airman. He was a shy and gentle person with a quick wit and wry humor. We got along very well. He made me look at things another way. We lost touch after highschool and I never truly got to say goodbye, perhaps in another place?

The unknown soldier in my life. Uncle Fred. The man died before I ever met his nephew. The legacy he left behind for us is a convoluted history of what things were, the man served in ww2 but did agree with some of the ideals of communism in its purest form. He filled my husband with fond memories which are shared at times with me.

Weight-loss …

It’s inevitable that a troll will eventually rear its ugly head on my sites, I think we all do have them. I received a comment on my other page that left me rather angry. It took me a few days to recover, to find my way out of that wonderful dark cloud that such things inevitably cause. I guess I’ve got such a tender skin. Some one once advised my to learn to grow a teflon skin instead. I tried that and lost myself. I guess getting hurt just means I am still human. This person with the screen name of Thomas left disparaging notes about my weight, assumed my eating habits as the stereo typical fluffy person’s diet of all things fried (blech, unless its cauliflower, green beans, or zucchini for a nice treat) and that I do not exercise. Its just another reflection of what our world is becoming: a bundle of extreme assumption. I prefer apples to Oreos, I do not drink soda on a daily or even weekly basis, and I walk or do that wonderfully releasing activity known as Yoga. I have been contemplating some dancing … (I am not sure this white woman can or should dance) … call it another fear of mine to face, my lack of rhythm. I am going to be weighing in officially soon and I will be updating my weight across the board. I have also joined into a biggest looser contest at work 🙂 wish me luck.

Reaching out

I have recently met someone. She is everything I would be had I not found my feet (and my husband) when I was younger and far more foolish. She has been hurt very badly and in much the same manner that I was. I am as steady as a rock when it comes to presence, and if I am needed my mind does not check out. I give of myself in any way that I can when I see a friend in need, often times this ends in a bone deep hurt that mixes in with hurts done in the past by old lovers and friends, even sometimes by family. Because of who we are we try not to let that darkness shine out from us because it is our pain, our burden; then we continue to help others where we can even knowing deep down that the person we are helping, our broken bird, will eventually bite. When the pain gets too much we withdraw from the world and shun those that would truly help. Then we meet a person who’s dark pain matches ours and hold out a trembling hand and quivering wait to see if they will take it even though the rift torn within ourselves. We see that broken bird in each other and wait at an impasse.

It will be an uneasy friendship, one from a distance. Two lighthouses in a storm, a stone’s throw away. One has learned to shine again through the stormy sea while the other is to weary to clean the glass and find the fuel to keep the flame.  All I can do is shine a little light her direction and hope for the best.

Finding Feet

I know it’s been awhile since I have written regularly, but I am sure you all can forgive me. I have kids and that should be explanation enough. This time of year starting with Ash Wednesday our lives just seem to become this mass of shifting sands that no one has given us the appropriate equipment to traverse with. Frankly, it makes me want to tear my hair out. It does not help that I essentially have three children with the mentality of toddlers at the moment … the hormones have started to hit both my older kids.

I spent all of Lent with my family practicing the act of restraint. I am not catholic. People ask me why I do this. There are a few things the Catholics and other religious groups do have right: A little bit of restraint allows you to appreciate more and live just a little better. You have to stop and smell the roses and that reminds you that life, though fast, is not meant to be rushed through.

Its also spring and I have been spending more time outside, puttering around my starter container garden (which  got frosted … sigh …. such is the life of a Gardener in Montana) and walking. Dj has also discovered that dandelions can be painted with and are …. blech … edible (we don’t treat our lawn, so she can if she wants to … I will not stop her from trying new foods). We also have rabbits EVERYWHERE! Squee! They are so cute! I know they can damage your property, but weren’t they here first? Its actually the gophers I hate … they do the real damage, and yet I can’t do anything to them either. I’ve thought about encouraging the hawks to roost on our roof or in a nearby tree.

I’m giving up on the gardening from seed for now, I’ll just buy the needed plants and seedlings from the farmers market when it starts. I am expecting to spend at least $150 (this includes my ‘wild’ roses) the first chance I get. Now the great thing about the market here is most of these plants are grown in Montana gumbo (Clay, sand, dirt and rocks) and tend to be hardier. I need all the help I can get. my thumb is only barely green, I know some of what I’m doing but I am still a beginner. Later on in the summer I am going to try and plant some berry bushes in the marshier part of my yard.

This all leads up to this … health and weight loss.

Since I have been doing the prep for this and working on reinforcing a large container (plastic pool, Pictures to come) I have also been losing size. I noticed my pants were loose the other day, I thought well, these jeans weren’t fresh from the dryer so I won’t get my hopes up … then … Tuesday I put on a shirt that I tend to avoid because it’s tight, short and has cap sleeves (don’t get me started on cap sleeves), my shirt is loose, so is my bra. As I posted on FB … I don’t have the budget for more clothes until next year. I have gained back muscle tone in my legs and I am working to shrink my wings. A friend of mine posted that if you are lifting weights that are lighter than your purse you aren’t going to have any results. I believe it. My purse weighs about 1.5 lbs. max, I’ve found that all I need is a small refillable notebook, 2 pens, cell phone, inhaler (when I remember to grab it) and wallet …my purse is a little bigger than a Nook Easy touch.

I have two small 2lb sandy hand weights at work … I used them off and on during the day. I get strange looks from my cubicle mates but (sorry guys, I know you read this) I know that I tend to be more awake than the others after using them. Believe me this is a wonderful thing on a slow day in the tech department. The other thing I’ve noticed with them … people find them fascinating: more than once I’ve gone to pick them up and well … one has been absent. Its about as amusing as people coming and petting my plant (who has officially been named Lucy). I love it and I guess that goes back to what I mentioned earlier with my comments on Lent … living.

I still stay as far away from the scale as possible simply because I fear disappointment, but hey with the work I am doing on my arms I may be able to handle a full down-dog without fear of dislocation of my shoulder again soon … after that it’ll all fall into place. Especially in toning and firming my mid-section … having such a long baby did a number on my upper abs, not to mention what 3 c-sections have done to my lower abs …

I now know 2 things for certain:

1. toddlers and teenagers equate to the same mentality when it comes to independence.
2. dumping a pitcher of cold water into a shower of a preteen boy that is taking to long is both effective and 70s scream queen entertaining

You can’t see me

When you were small, when you lost a favored toy behind or under something … it was gone, FOREVER!, and it was never coming back. Oh the joy you felt when your big people retrieved it and gave it back. Out of sight for you was a different thing. It was an anxious time where your world was small because if someone left the room, or walked out a door there was never a guarantee they would come back. You were more aware of the inconsistencies of life then, than you are now and because of this intangible idea you had you knew that when you couldn’t see something … it no longer existed. Anxiety ruled the day sometimes.

So when you hid under a blanket the world consisted of only you, and the wonderful cocoon. Life was simple in those tender moments; It was a fact that as you could not see the world, the world could not see you. And yet, somehow, your parents still recognized the existence of  that obvious you-sized giggling lump under the tattered but well loved crib blanket. 

Though what came next was comforting to your young self, It never failed that the great big monster would grab you by your toes, steal the magic shield that had faithfully made you disappear, and mercilessly attack your toes, knees, ribs, and stomach. “I FOUND YOU!” booms out over the peals of tumbling laughter that you only hear at the precipice of infancy and toddlerhood before a child falls into the next stage of life. Where the young learn the sad sad truth that the blanket doesn’t make the world disappear and closing your eyes doesn’t make things go away.

That is the price for the key to the door for the wonders waiting out side, that singularly large part of your universe that is the world beyond.

A simple game of peekaboo helps a child develop social skills and reminds the older person playing with them, if ever so briefly, of that long faded time of beautiful innocence where the only way we could hide the bright and shining light of our soul was to hide under a blanket or tuck our eyes away behind chubby hands. In the summer of our lives the epiphany of this hits while we teach another. Its the staggering conclusion that we the only time we need to hide our soul simply because we are hiding but sharing the connection of the past and the future … a simple meeting that can only be done by opening your eyes and looking into another’s.

It is sad sometimes that we relearn this so late in life, if some of us ever do, because this knowledge might just make the world a little more peaceful.

Lost in the middle

February seems to hit and I lose myself in the ebb and flow of life.  This time of year I subconsciously unplug from social websites and live outside the confines of cyberspace. Some of it may be due to Lent. (I see some of you out there rolling your eyes, and no this will not be yet another commentary on the new pope, I’ll save that for another day). I am not catholic, but my husband and children are, so I  celebrate the practice of Lent. and yes I do mean practice as you have to practice giving something  up. People find it weird that I do when I don’t have to. It’s actually very cleansing and enlightening. When you are doing everything in your power not to think of that one thing you have given up you forcefully turn your mind to other things … any other thing. That’s when Ideas and clarifications hit you like bolts of lightning.  So here I am over a month into Lent deciding to share my thoughts on some of the things that made me sit up and listen.

One, I prefer the past to stay  sitting on its butt as far away from me as possible. Something’s need to stay there, in that skeleton closet in the back of my mind. I am at relative peace with out remembering certain mistakes and stupid phrases that I have said that still bring the colors of embarrassment to my cheeks.

Two, to my Shame, of my top three stresses in my married life: the number one is my son, second being health and the close third being money. I admit I am a work in progress, but this boy  brings out the worst in my husband and myself.

Three, Writers block is my bane, but it is not the end of the world. I have been working on yet another segment of my Grimmly Twisted narrative at work … it’s almost complete and here I am ready to finish it up … it is the end of the world as I forgot that piece at work. 😦

Just a few things to mull over and possibly find a way to overcome stress and then that gross forgetfulness that makes me … me.

 

On a happier note. The year of waiting is over. My little brother returned from his second tour of duty. I am so glad to have him home, little less worry on my mind … till he starts back at his ‘civilian’ job … but I’ll take things as they come.

Fats and furious

Been sick, family has been sick so spent most  of February in a daze and skipped valentines day, which I do not mind in the least. So you’ve seen where I’ve been … now what I’ve been doing. ,,,

I have a hard time looking in a mirror. I think I have mentioned this in the past. I need to make myself look. Both naked and clothed and remind myself to be comfortable in my own skin. I should make this a goal. But it isn’t really a goal, but something I must overcome.

Tonight this bears significance because of my random searches. I came across a string of large women models. … quite a few showing them eating. WTF! like we need more stereo-typing to fight. its like going to a gym and getting the “ewe what is that doing here” look from the locals or having rude nurses because the cuff doesn’t fit. Nothing like encouraging fatness … but this is not all. Sad thing is I couldn’t help myself I continued searching down this venue. Adele and a few other infamous/famous people arrived on my picture screen. These famous people are beautiful people, I do not see how they are fat. THey are what size 18 or 20. I hate too say this folks … I would call anything below a size 22 average and above a size 10.

Between Stereo typing and misrepresented sizing. I’m a bit miffed but it has also given me much to mull over as well.

I do admit that I am disappointed in myself… I have not even made much headway and getting myself down to average. I’ve lost maybe 3 pounds in the two months I’ve started doing this … time to revamp my way of doing things. I need to face the hulking beast in the mirror and I need to try and remember the me that no one else sees.

Mimic

Sorry this is going to be one of those Soapbox posts. Its been a rough few days with my children; my older ones, specifically. (Places down a box and stands upon it …)

Rotting … we are rotting. Unheard of violence sweeps the world, diseases we can’t even begin to name (but are some how man-made) epidemics of mass panic proportions (including obesity). We are consuming chemicals and other substances that ‘manages’ aforementioned issues … including violence. To top those issues, we, across the world face the shrinking borders due to overpopulation, better communications and even better transportation. This boils to a head as we contemplate how to “fix” the economy, lack of jobs, societal issues on life, love, and the art of war, on top of which my country tries to force other countries to do as they do. Some countries have their social issues down pat (without the help of my country), I admit I am jealous of this … but then the grass is always greener on the other side. I couldn’t begin to imagine what it really is like to be a citizen of another country, just as others feel about what it’s really like here.

This is just my global view … let me be firm though: I love my country, I just really hate my Governing Body in every sense of the word (see the US Constitution as reference “Of the People, By the People and For the People” Other thoughts similar to my own see Thomas Jefferson’s works.)

On a, just my country, on a smaller level type of view is where this bent is focused. Something that I can no longer hold my tongue on. Its my WTF of the month.

My children are awesome … most of the time. They help with DJ, they do chores, they are polite and respectful. The past few days though. Well I wanted to tear out my hair.

DJ’s sick so much quarter is given, however grumpy it makes the rest of us as she fussed and fussed and  …. well you get the picture.

Mei, in the middle, she’s been really, really needy the past few days. I think she’s getting sick.

And then Mo … the beginning to the river of thoughts to which I have introduced you above.

Parenting … what is parenting any more? Believe me there is a direct correlation to this. My husband and I have worked hard to produce the face of the personality which people see in my children in public. I am very, very proud of these two little sculptures about to be unleashed on the unsuspecting world as they reach their apprenticeship to adulthood. This agonizing period of time we all dread where we are letting go of them in their childhood, pushing them forward into adulthood.

This last weekend gave me pause.

It was not just my own child that brought me to this … It was also another child. Mo, has friends … this makes me do the happy dance …, he has three friends. Which is more than he has had in the past. *Dances Jig*

This last weekend we extended a hand of trust to the boy. We left him and a friend alone at the house, for several hours.  -_- This actually went rather well … if you call two zombified  preteens sitting in your living room playing Xbox a success. ha-ha-ha!

It was after his friend went home that we noticed a difference, we noticed that he was beginning to build his own chrysalis called the teenage years. We heard those grunts and groans that come with irritation at parental authority. We saw the “throwing” of the body … advising us that he was going to dig in his heels. I saw myself and all my other friends at that age (one of which was my husband) doing the same thing. I suspect it was the same with our parents before us. I wonder what we see in our parents that makes us repeat these actions.

They say that we are destined to become the adults in our lives as we mimic them to learn and grow.

What is our world to become now that most adults are addicted to technology … so much so … that we have them become the babysitter for our accessory children, to keep them out-of-the-way until we need to look good? Pardon while I go throw up …

I hope that my kids and the kids that come into my home to play with them see us not to addicted to our electronics to give them our full attention and listen to them. I hope that ours will always come to us when they  have a problem they just can’t fix. I hope that we will always be the cool parents in the neighborhood… and I hope that by this they mimic our example when they have their own children.

Wisdom in the Jar

Wisdom in the Jar.  Wisdom of a nine year old …. 🙂

The Laws of The Universe or at Least my Universe

One: Read Douglas Adams Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy, its amusing and informative.

Two: If it moves and it shouldn’t, DUCTAPE! If it doesn’t move and it should WD40! … there are exceptions to this rule of course but we won’t go into that.

Three: DUCTAPE in the hands of a very bored creative person becomes a recipe for … something ….

Four: Don’t blame me, blame my coworker … he’s the one that left it on his desk …. at least he’ll get a spring and a Mobius strip for his troubles …

Update: On myself. I was having a really down day in regards to my own self image, I turned the tides of that battle and realized 100 lbs. of my own personal demon is due to a medication I was taking for Bipolar Disorder. Night Terrors VS Hefty Weight …. huh … I’ll take the bad dreams thank you. Some times the treatment is worse than the disease. I have alternate Medications I can take, once I have weaned my baby … they don’t take care of the sleep issue, but they’ll help us ‘surf’ the waves. By Us I mean my friends and Family, because this does effect my whole little world. But beyond that, Its not entirely my fault this 100 lbs. I face, but it also makes me realize that this 100 lbs. is going to be the hardest part of it, this loosing of bulk. This 100 lbs. was created by a drug enforced habit. this 100 lbs. that makes my joints ache and makes it hard to do the exercises that really shed those pounds. case in point … slim series (fun love it!) but I can’t do the exercise in one ‘sitting’. I have to do it in 5 minute intervals otherwise the joint pain is overwhelming and well … makes me not want to do it. 

It’s a nasty cycle.

So now I am walking during my breaks. I can take the stairs again as the ear infection has gone and I have full balance back.  After my spill I also lost track of my food diary as my computer was sent in on ADH (MUST HAVE on any mobile computer … thing). So now I will be starting that back up. Its not that I lost my pass word or the web site … its that I had to step out of the habit.

Bad thing for me. I have gained a Pound. argh … its supposed to be going the opposite direction. I know its not water weight as I drink at least 64 oz. of water a day, this does not include any other drinks I indulge in … this does not include soda or other high sugar drinks, most common its coffee or tea from home.

Another nice note: I must be getting somewhere with nutrition as my adult acne is finally starting to get under control.

Where is the Wisdom in Numbers?

Last week I turned 33. I will proudly admit that I am indeed over 30 … and yet I still get carded in bars … I expect it in grocery stores, and wine stores. Its simple sense. But I still get carded by Bartenders that still give me the stink eye, thinking me too young. argh. What was I thinking about bangs? A highschool kid asked me which school I went to.

I suppose I am lucky.

But numbers any more are what it’s about.

My weight for example, my pant size, my work id …

Our problem with numbers is that it gets in the way of what really happens in life.

Life is not even a candle, it’s a match that burns up so fast. sometimes it burns slower than the some few that go up in a flash of bright light. All I wish is for spring to come and the flowers to bloom. That loamy richness of the turning of the seasons that is the newness of life … all the rest does not matter.